The Iron Maiden

I'm not a runner, but I have a rich fantasy where I am one. I've been training to run in the Wasatch Back, this summer. It's a 180-mile team relay that takes place over two days. My participation garnered a confidence-boosting eyebrow raise from my doctor last week. Thanks, doc! Admittedly, training has been a lot more difficult than I imagined, but by darn I'm going to do this thing.

I don't attend the church of Oprah, but she has endorsed the Enell Sports Bra, and if Oprah loves it, and I mean she's pretty generous in the curve department, then maybe I should give it a shot. The bra is $64. So I waited, and put it off, and otherwise stayed in denial.

 

Then at the gym I had an epiphany. I was slogging along on the treadmill and I'm surround by the beautiful exercisers. You know the type. Glistening, tanned, and toned. Pastel spandex short-shorts and matching bra/top. Blonde ponytail bouncing to the beat of her pastel ipod. Meanwhile I'm chugging away with my ghetto t-shirt, red face, white legs and yoga capris. I'm sweating profusely and my hair is soaked through, and I'm adjusting my pathetic bras (Yes, bras. You women know what I mean.) I'm thinking, maybe I could change just a couple of small things. How about some cute exercise clothes? How about that cool bra?

So I get the bra. Yes, in this economy. I'm a size 1. This thrills me. I have never been a size 1, not even when I was 1. So thank you, Enell, for using small numbers and not some other humiliating sizing like: queen, ample, clydesdale, plus, husky,  or heiffer. 

It takes about five minutes to put on. There are actual instructions on how to get it on. It has 10 hooks. Ten, ten hooks! Ah ah ah ah!

It's awesome. I'm flatter than Kansas. Watch out, blonde ponytail girl. I'm coming after you.

Jane the Destroyer

I feel like leaning my head out the window and screaming, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!".  Or is it "It's my money and I want it now!" Either one would work fine.

That's not what Jane's thinking. She's looking out the window and thinking, "The world is my oyster, man. I gotta get out there!"

I'm just going relay a little taste of the insanity that has become my daily life with Jane. Jane (bless her heart) has turned two. Over the past week, Jane has:

• broken my favorite mug, a dinner plate, a salad plate, and my favorite platter from grandma. 
  
• dumped out my wood floor cleaner into a huge puddle and sat in it (nice - I smell like oranges)
  
• pulled out Ed's beloved records from the cabinet and emptied many of them from their sleeves (I want daddy.... oh, here he comes!)
  
• has discovered how to climb up on the kitchen table. I left the room and returned to find her sitting on the laptop (feel the power of the internet!)
  
• has repeated tried to order AOL by reaching up and typing random keys on my desktop keyboard (it's a conspiracy!)
  
• learned that pulling random unseen items off the kitchen table is fun and exciting (what could it be? ketchup? mom's camera? a steak knife?)
• emptied out a laundry basked full of folded clothes
  
• ripped pages out of my scriptures
  
• ruined a half a box of Tampax by unwrapping them, disassembling them, and either chewing on them or dropping them in the toilet.
  

I needed to take a shower, but not wanting to risk another broken plate or injured child, I decided she could have a bath whilst I have a shower (we have a separate bath). 

During my shower she:

• emptied the shampoo bottle into the tub
  
• poured a cup of water onto the bathroom floor, and
  
• unrolled the roll of toiletpaper into the tub (and ate some, for good measure)
  

This newfound sense of adventure comes with a price. Jane has also:

• fallen off the step stool at least 3 times in the last week. The last time she gave herself a bloody nose
  
• pulled a small (nearly empty - don't call child protective services!) end table dresser onto her herself and cut her upper lip
  
• fallen down the stairs
  
• fallen off then kitchen chairs
  

In addition, here are some regular activities she does at least 3-4 times a day:

• "rearrange" our cd collection (love the clackety clack sound!)
  
• crawl over to the open dishwasher (hurry! it's still open!) and pull out the dirty cutlery to see if she can find any snacks.
  
• emptied out the newspaper recycle basket (ahhh, tearing paper...)
  
• empties out any cupboard, closet, purse, wallet, shoe basket, toy box, or sack. (I just love chewing on my mom's mp3 player!)
• play drums with all of my plastic bowls and storage containers
  
• wreak havoc with the television buttons (I know how to get mom off the couch!)
  
• rubs her eyes and hair every time I happen to feed her something containing tomato sauce (how else am I supposed to get in the bath and make a mess?)
  
  
• wakes up and cries the moment I put her in bed (must get into mom's bed, must get into mom's bed....)

It's a good thing Jane is just about the sweetest, mildest, cutest child you'll ever see on the face of this earth. I love you Jane, more than you'll ever know, but I'm so tired.

All the World's a Stage. I Need an Intermission.

Emma's been rehearsing long hours for the school musical Doo Wop Wed Widing Hood. The performance was a few nights ago and it was amazing. It was quite a site to see dozens of grade-school kids singing and dancing to some great choreography, to say nothing of the funny script.

Emma's role was a narrator, but she has a lot of lines and actually controlled the action with a fake "remote control". I'm so proud of Emma, who definitely has the "performance" gene from Ed's side of the family.

Emma also played her last Jr. Jazz basketball game last weekend. She has come so far and is a good competitor. (That must be from my side of the family. Rip her head off, Emma!) Her team won a majority of their games and did a great job on their last game.

(Would have won if the other team hadn't, well, cheated. It's so funny how all is fine and well until the mean girl from the other team starts getting rough and breaking rules and then the mommy bear claws come out and I start making plans to run them down in the parking lot in my white minivan. Glad to get that off my chest. I'm okay now.)

In the mean time, Ed and Beth had a daddy-daughter excursion to a U of U basketball game. They had a great time and we even won. Go Utes! 

Beth has also been swimming hard in the swim team's "pre-comp" program, which is like swim team with training wheels. Hopefully she'll get to participate in a swim meet soon, as she's anxious to start bringing home some ribbons. (That's my girl!)

Jane is doing great, and has decided that crawling is easier that walking. So while she can take steps, she needs to get a bit more confidence in herself before she starts walking all of the time. She also started a new "Play & Learn" preschool that is run through an early intervention program. So she gets to "play & learn" while mommy "shops & showers". It's a great arrangement.

See Jane Walk

Jane has started to take her first steps, and we are so happy that she is learning and growing, however gradual it may seem. Learning to walk, like many things with Jane, has been an excruciatingly slow process, but we are so excited to see these little steps. We know it won't be long before they are big steps, and then she will walk, and then someday she will run, and then... who knows? Go, Jane, go!

We are so grateful to Shriners Hospital, DDI Early Intervention, and all the friends and family who have been so caring for Jane. We are extraordinarily blessed. 

Sorry about the sideways shot. Try not to get dizzy.

On a side note, my niece Amanda got married this week to a great guy. I can't tell you how happy I am for Amanda and Jonathan. Tomorrow they are off to Ecuador on a humanitarian endeavor for five months. What a meaningful honeymoon. I wish them the best of luck and feel so fortunate that we have such loving, generous family. We had a fun bachelorette party at Laura's, where we sang Karaoke, told dirty jokes, and played games. What else are Mormons supposed to do?

Hannah, Emily, Amanda, Jerrea.